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This class was a great time of reflection. Each woman shared something about how the “definitions” from last week gave them some fun stuff to share with their husband. They each explained, in different ways, how they liked being able to shed new light on Song of Solomon to their mate. And what was fun for me was listening to how the discussions progressed after the wives shared the meanings with their husbands!

We had a good discussion on bedroom attire and I noticed every woman writing something down during this part of the class. I believe I may hear a couple of stories next week of how they went out and purchased something pretty to wear to bed.

After a time of reflection and teaching, I showed a DVD clip from Tommy Nelson’s Song of Solomon series. I play the session from Disc #2, Part 5, entitled, “The Art of Intimacy, Part 1.” This is the section of his seminar where he interprets and explains the words and meaning of Chapter 4 from Song of Solomon.

This chapter is all about the wedding night of Solomon and Shulamith–the foreplay and the inevitable consummation of their marriage. As I sit in a chair at the back of the room, behind the ladies during this clip, it’s fun for me to watch them as they begin to understand just how erotic, and fun, this time was for the royal couple. Nelson does such a fabulous job of helping a Christian see how God intended for marriage to be passionate, and pure–all at the same time. He is great at explaining what God really desires for a married couple in their sexual relationship.

While money may be an issue for you concerning Nelson’s seminar on DVD, I would encourage you to try and borrow this resource for sharing with your class. Maybe your church already owns this series, or would be willing to purchase it for a time of teaching in the future. Your class would greatly benefit from viewing it.

I encouraged my students to share what they learned with their husband at home, along with reading the commentary of Chapter 4 from the Appendix. This always proves to be an important part of this study because it helps them as a couple to understand that God desires them to enjoy the passion He created and that He blesses their sexual union.

I had one lady share how she had conversation with her husband last week about God being in the bedroom. She asked her husband if he was “there” yet, meaning was he able to openly invite God into their lovemaking. While he shared with her that he was not, they both were able to share with each other that they both desired to get to this point of being able to do this. I could tell that it was a very vital and important time of sharing in their marriage.

Once again, so much of what I love about this study is how it helps couples open up and begin communicating about a critical part of their marriage.

Having a smaller class this time has been very enjoyable for me. We have time to take a few “rabbit trails” during the course of the study; yet I find that we run out of time much too quickly. Ninety minutes should be enough, but I find I always wish for more.

Once again I encouraged them not to miss next week when I play Lorraine Pintus’ message on past sexual sin. I believe that no matter what the state of a woman’s marriage is, she can benefit from hearing this talk. For some women it has been life-changing by helping them to break the ties from past sexual relationships; for others, it has helped them to see that they have some wrong attitudes concerning sex in their marriage.

When I’m busy preparing for this class, I pray extra hard for the ladies that will hear the message and for God to make their hearts receptive to what He will say to them that night and in the weeks ahead. I pray that nothing will be a distraction to them and that they will be able to totally focus on the message.

More details to follow next week!

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Nancy DeMoss writes, “Whenever I speak on the subject of forgiveness, invariably someone will tell me, ‘I’ve never been able to forgive myself for what I’ve done.’ Interestingly, the Bible never speaks of the need to forgive ourselves. But I think what many of these women are really saying is they have never been able to feel forgiven for what they have done. They are still carrying a sense of guilt and shame over their failure.”[1]

There are several reasons why this persistent guilt is so common among Christians today. Many of us are “preaching Grace, but living by Law.” As a doctrine, we believe in grace, and we know intellectually God’s grace has “set us free from the law of sin and death.” However, as a practical matter, we act as though our sins are forgiven by acts of penance, as if our sacrifice, rather than Christ’s sacrifice could free us. If we live on this level, we will be prone to despair because we can never be sure we have done enough to “pay” for our sins.

Even more depressing is the subjective feeling we are “OK” and have done enough. This feeling will come and go, leaving us one day feeling forgiven, the next day wondering if there isn’t something else that needs to be done. We fear God has some ‘whammy’ waiting to strike us so that we will suffer some more.

The sad fact is the more realistic we are about our sins, the more hopeless we will feel as long as we try to atone for our own sins. In the words of the old hymn, “What can wash away my sins? Nothing but the blood of Jesus.” Accepting what Christ has done for us, and not trying to “reclaim” our sins from Him so we can carry them a bit more, is the first step in getting past the shame and guilt.

When you sin, you sin against God. He is the One you need to turn to and ask for forgiveness. You aren’t sinning against yourself, but only against God. Scripture teaches God forgives you when you humble yourself and ask Him to forgive you. Then your sin is forgiven and He remembers it no more!

Forgetting

What usually happens to us when we sin is we have trouble forgetting about them in our mind. This is not entirely our own doing, since our Adversary’s chief tactic (meaning Satan’s tactic) is to accuse us. Even sins God has already forgiven can still work as accusations if we are willing to listen to his lies. “You’re no good.” “You’ll never learn, never change, never win.” Satan brings these charges to our mind. If we allow ourselves to get bogged down reliving our failures, he will defeat us every time.

Something that is very helpful in the healing process is to learn to praise and thank God for forgiving your sin whenever one is recalled in your mind. Satan uses your past sins to keep you in bondage, so a victorious way to break free from this is to “turn the tables” on him.

The next time you recall a sin in your life, such as a past sexual sin, repent of that sin and ask God to forgive you. Once you do, He has! Then if you ever recall the memory of that sin again, turn the recollection into a praise and thank Him that you have already been forgiven!

As you do this over and over, you will find yourself thinking less and less about that sin. Satan hates your praises, so the more you praise God, the less Satan is going to enjoy tempting you with painful memories.

This is one of the promises God gives us in Scripture when He talks about how ALL things work together for good for those that love the Lord. In this case, the “good” that comes from God begins to help make the painful memories fade as you thank Him for His forgiveness, mercy, and love.

Set Free

If you find you continue to have trouble getting over your sins from the past and you keep beating yourself up over them, here’s some encouraging words. Shannon Ethridge shares the words her best friend said to her one day when she was “beating herself up over some past sin. This quote is from her book, Every Woman’s Battle:

“Do you know what you are saying about the blood that Jesus shed for you when you refuse to forgive yourself for your past? You are saying that His blood wasn’t good enough for you. It didn’t have enough power to cleanse you.” She was right. Underlying all of my self-pity was the belief that what Jesus did for me couldn’t possibly be enough to rid me of my stain. I needed some special miracle to set me free, and until I got that miracle, I had to beat myself up as an act of penance. If this rings true for you as well, then guess what? The Holy Spirit is telling you the same thing He told me back then: Jesus opened your prison door. It’s up to you to walk out![2]

It is a sad fact that sin begets more sin. Sins hardly ever come just one at a time. In Scripture, we read how David gazed upon Bathsheba, lusted after her, called her to his palace, slept with her, and conspired to murder her husband. When David gave into the sin of lust, the “domino effect” was set into motion. In the same way, brooding over past sin, even lamenting past sins over and over, makes you more likely to fall again.

In Ethridge’s book, she makes it clear that her failure to accept God’s forgiveness made her more vulnerable to further temptation. If you see yourself of little worth, and refuse to believe God desires to have a relationship with you, you’ll find yourself trying to seek His acceptance and intimacy elsewhere. However, it is not a love that can be found with other people; it is a love that can only be found in Him!

To break the cycle of never feeling forgiven, you must hold on to Christ, and to the promise that He has freed you. Then the sequence can turn around the other way, and one forgiveness can lead to another–one act of grace to the next. As God forgives you, and you live in that truth, you can gain the power to forgive those who’ve hurt you and begin to forget about the sins you’ve committed yourself.

Seek God through prayer and ask Him to help you begin the healing process for overcoming past sexual sins in your life. As He helps you each step of the way, you will begin to experience newly found freedom in your relationship with your husband and come closer to being “naked and unashamed” in your sexuality.

(This article is an excerpt from A Wife’s Invitation to Intimacy.)

Footnotes:

[1] Nancy Leigh DeMoss, Lies Women Believe and the Truth that Sets Them Free (Chicago, IL: Moody Press, 2001), 100.

[2] Shannon Ethridge, Every Woman’s Battle: Discovering God’s Plan for Sexual and Emotional Fulfillment (Colorado Springs, CO: WaterBrook Press, 2003), 134.

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