A Day in the Life of Your Husband

Many times throughout a day, your husband is faced with sexual stimuli. When your husband sees you getting dressed, stepping out of the shower, or when the smell of your perfume brings back a memory of a special time you shared, he thinks of being intimate with you. The timing may be inconvenient, but these thoughts are usually not something he can just “turn off” at will.

Although he may understand on one level why you respond negatively to his “interest,” on another level he still feels some disappointment. This doesn’t mean you need to “give in” every time he makes eyes at you, but you must understand he isn’t abnormal to feel this way. Many women think their godly, faithful husbands are “sex fiends,” when actually they are totally normal!

Once your husband leaves for work each day, the bombardment of sexual images and invitations continues. It is no secret that Madison Avenue uses “sex” to sell everything from cars to food. Television, magazines, Internet and billboards all use the beauty of the female body as an attention-getter. Whether it is the Hooters billboard that shouts, “Made you look!” or the Victoria’s Secret catalog in the mail, sexual stimuli are everywhere.

As a more specific threat to your marriage, most men spend at least part of their workday in the company of women. Some of these women have no intention of tempting your husband, but because men are wired to respond to visual stimuli, temptations are still possible. Unfortunately, some women are not innocent in their intention. They may use their sexuality to gain power, attention, and may “flirt” simply as a game.

The wife who does not understand how often the world gives her husband an opportunity to stray is living in denial. Here’s how Dr. Archibald Hart, in The Sexual Man, describes the power of the sexual drive:

“Immediately after being sexually satisfied, the normal male may be able to focus elsewhere–for a while. But it is just a matter of time before his thoughts lead him back to sex. And I’m talking about the preacher as much as the truck driver.

Sure, the average man thinks of other things, like football and politics, but eventually all mental roads lead back to this one central fixation: Sex. There are times when the obsession fades and even vanishes. Give him an intense challenge at work. Let him buy a new computer or sports car. Give him a golf bag or a fishing trip. He’ll forget about sex for a while. But sooner or later, like a smoldering fire, it will flare up again. Strong, urgent, forceful, and impatient, the sex drive dominates the mind and body of every healthy male. Like it or not, that’s the way it is.”[1]

You may wish your husband was different or you think this description should not apply to Christian men. The facts are otherwise. A Christian husband may live by different moral standards than a non-Christian, but their sex drives are still influenced by the same thing—hormones.[2]

Hubby and Hormones
Whether your husband is a Christian or not, his desire for sex has a great deal to do with his level of testosterone. Being sexually stimulated is largely a matter of hormones. Testosterone is the driving force of the male sex drive and has nothing to do with a man being a sex addict! God wired your husband in such a way that he is stimulated sexually by what he sees, whether he wants to be stimulated or not. He has to deal with every visual he encounters, whether he is a Christian or not.

These “sightings” are often not situations where a man desires to have sex with each woman he sees. However, with every sexual thought or visual stimulation, he is forced to deal with it internally. For your husband, it can be as simple as turning in the opposite direction until the sexual thought passes—or it may become a sexual battle on a spiritual level. Sometimes these visual encounters can be very intense, especially if it has been a long time since his last sexual encounter with you.

He’s Normal!
We live in a world where sexual images are always present. Your husband is literally teased and tempted all day and all night long. One of the most understanding and loving things you can do for him is to be sensitive to this. Whether you acknowledge his struggles verbally with positive words and respect and/or meet his needs physically, you can do a great deal to help him keep temptation from becoming sin.

In his classic work, His Needs, Her Needs, Willard Harley describes sexual fulfillment as “the first thing he can’t do without.”[3] Harley notes that when a man commits to faithfulness in marriage, “…he trusts her to be as sexually interested in him as he is in her.”[4] You see, when the two of you married, your husband promised monogamy, not celibacy!

If your husband feels you have those two vows confused, his response will be hurt, resentment, and sometimes a temptation to see this need fulfilled elsewhere. One of the key elements involved in a husband’s faithfulness is where a wife remains sexually interested in her husband. This will help to discourage him to look elsewhere for satisfaction. If a wife isn’t interested sexually, it can be dangerous to the sexual relationship.[5]

If you are interested in reading more about why your husband appears to be obsessed about sex, you may want to read further in Kevin Leman’s Making Sense of the Men in Your Life. Remember: just because your husband thinks about and desires sex a lot, he is still normal! God put those desires and drives in there for His own good reasons.

As a woman, it’s important for you to understand that your husband may desire to have his sexual needs met two and three times a week! That can sound overwhelming. However, your goal is to develop a sexual lifestyle with your husband––not just sexual moments. Sheila Wray Gregoire makes these comments in her book, Honey, I Don’t Have a Headache Tonight:

“Sex can easily degenerate into a tug of war, with both spouses feeling rejected and punishing each other for it. Men feel as if their wives don’t really love them, and women feel used. For some wives, the more her husband ignores her feelings and pressures her to have sex, the more she starts to equate sex with something that hurts her. To feel loved, what she really wants is for him to not want it at all.

However, if you can make a decision now to think of sex as a gift you can give him––a gift you can have just as much fun unwrapping as he can––its capacity to hurt you is gone. If you can take the initiative, you don’t need to worry about whether he’s considering your feelings…

Even if you don’t know how this will work physically or practically because of other problems, you can still change your attitudes and your goals…If you start to be generous, you’ll feel relief because you’re not keeping score. And your husband? He’ll feel gratitude, intimacy, and satisfaction. He’ll likely treat you better than he’s done lately, so you’ll feel happier, too. It’s a win-win for everyone.”[6]

It may even surprise you that your husband is incredibly satisfied emotionally when he sees you thoroughly enjoying yourself in your sexual relationship! When your husband realizes how much he is able to fulfill you sexually, it is extremely satisfying to him emotionally. It makes him feel like a man.

Footnotes:

[1] Archibald D. Hart, The Sexual Man (Dallas, TX: Word Publishing, 1994), 5.

[2] Kevin Leman, Making Sense of the Men in Your Life (Nashville, TN: Thomas Nelson, Inc., 2000), 135.

[3] Willard F. Harley, Jr., His Needs, Her Needs: Building an Affair-Proof Marriage (Grand Rapids, MI: Fleming H. Revell, 1986, 1994), 42.

[4] Harley, His Needs, Her Needs, 43.

[5] Leman, Making Sense of the Men in Your Life, 140.

[6] Sheila Wray Gregoire, Honey, I Don’t Have a Headache Tonight (Grand Rapids, MI: Kregel Publications, 2004), 44-45.