Be a Servant Lover to Your Mate

In I Corinthians 7:4, we read, “Marriage is a decision to serve the other, whether in bed or out.” (from The Message) Then, in Romans 12:10 it says, “Be devoted to one another in brotherly love. Honor one another above yourselves.”

I first heard about the term, “servant lover,” when I read a book entitled, Intimacy Ignited, written by the authors of Intimate Issues along with their husbands. I found it to be an interesting term, yet one that was perfect in summarizing so much of what marriage is supposed to be.

Being actively involved in reading and teaching classes on marriage over the years, I have heard how marriage is supposed to be each spouse giving 100% of themselves to their marriage, rather than the 50-50 many couples believe to be right. That’s too much like keeping score, which love is not supposed to do. (Read I Corinthians 13). But how does this play out in a couple’s sexual relationship?

Well, according to Scripture, it becomes the mission of one spouse to think about the needs of their mate above the desires of what they want personally. In fact, each spouse is supposed to treat their mate as more important than they would treat themselves.

Here is how Lorraine Pintus paraphrases these thoughts from Scripture: “In your sexual relationship, don’t let selfishness rule. God asks you to think of your spouse as more important than yourself. So stop thinking about yourself and what you want sexually. Think instead about what your mate desires and how you can please him/her.”[1]

While it is true that there are damaging situations that can occur in a sexual relationship, such as when one spouse demands to have sex with their mate and forces themselves on them, that is not the focus here. Abuse has no place in the sexual relationship. Instead, we’re talking about marriages that are fairly healthy and where a spouse is seeking to meet the sexual needs of their mate.

Prayerfully consider the next time your mate makes a pass at you, says something sexy to you, or you realize it has been a long time since the two of you were intimate with one another. Give unselfishly to your mate and bless them sexually.

If you find yourself wanting to say no to your mate’s advances, stop briefly and try to figure out why. If you discover that you are focusing on your own needs, rather than those of your mate, how do you believe a “servant lover” would respond? Scripture makes it pretty clear when it states, “Marriage is a decision to serve the other, whether in bed or out.”

Ask God what He would have you to do, then pray for strength and love as you unselfishly give to the most important person in your life. And who knows? You may even find yourself enjoying your decision as much as your mate does!

Footnote

1. Lorraine Pintus, “How to Be a Great Lover: Discover the Key to an Intimate Marriage,” Discipleship Journal, no. 1 (January/February, 2007), 51.