Are godly and sensuous contradictory terms to you?

Do you see them as being at opposite ends of the spectrum?

Do you believe it is possible for a woman to be godly and sensual at the same time?

Do you believe you can be both godly and sensuous at the same time?

Actually, God made you to be both. In a great book I read called Intimate Issues by Linda Dillow and Lorraine Pintus, the authors talk about how many women are under the mistaken belief that sex and godliness can’t possibly go together. While sex is quite physical in nature, many women fail to understand that it is also spiritual. Here’s why.

Sex was created by God for marriage and for our pleasure. The entire book of Song of Solomon, while very poetic, is very erotic as well. God intended sex to be enjoyed by a married couple throughout the course of their relationship. It is good, and it is holy when a married couple “play by His rules.”

As a woman, it is important for you to grow more godly as you mature. God desires for you to draw closer to Him, to bless others with your words and time, to take care of your children, and to bless your husband.

Did you realize that one of the most powerful ways you “bless” your man is when you share sex with him? It’s true. You see, by God’s laws, you are the only one allowed to fulfill this need in your husband. It is a type of relationship that isn’t meant to be shared with anyone else except your mate.

I remember reading a powerful statement Linda and Lorraine shared in their book. They said that “godly married women should be the greatest lovers on earth!” That’s because, not only do we possess physical passion, but we have the added element of holiness in our relationship. However, many women, even Christian women, aren’t very good lovers. Could it be that we haven’t made a commitment to God and to our husband to be the greatest lover we can be? If we sense that we are having trouble realizing that godliness and sexuality are meant to go together, maybe we have a spiritual problem to deal with.

I like how author Marla Taviano shares this thought in her book, Is That All He Thinks About?:

If you’re consistently denying your husband, you’re denying that God has given you an incredibly special gift to personally enjoy and to share with another–and has specifically asked you to use it often. When you say no, you’re telling God His gift is inferior. You’re throwing it back at Him and saying, “Thanks, but no thanks.”

No matter how godly a woman you consider yourself to be, if you haven’t surrendered your sex life to God, you might as well throw the word “godly” out the window. We can’t pick and choose the parts of our lives we want to give to the Lord. He wants all of us. If you aren’t honoring Him in your marriage bed, you aren’t honoring Him.[1]

Take some time soon to pray and think through some of the lies you’ve believed from growing up and what you thought God wanted you to do. Then read books like A Wife’s Invitation to Intimacy and Is That All He Thinks About? and ask God to help you figure out how to become the godly AND sensuous woman He wants you to be, and the one your husband needs you to be.

Footnotes:

Marla Taviano, Is That All He Thinks About?: How to Enjoy Great Sex with Your Husband (Eugene, OR: Harvest House Publishers, 2007), 38.

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Nancy DeMoss writes, “Whenever I speak on the subject of forgiveness, invariably someone will tell me, ‘I’ve never been able to forgive myself for what I’ve done.’ Interestingly, the Bible never speaks of the need to forgive ourselves. But I think what many of these women are really saying is they have never been able to feel forgiven for what they have done. They are still carrying a sense of guilt and shame over their failure.”[1]

There are several reasons why this persistent guilt is so common among Christians today. Many of us are “preaching Grace, but living by Law.” As a doctrine, we believe in grace, and we know intellectually God’s grace has “set us free from the law of sin and death.” However, as a practical matter, we act as though our sins are forgiven by acts of penance, as if our sacrifice, rather than Christ’s sacrifice could free us. If we live on this level, we will be prone to despair because we can never be sure we have done enough to “pay” for our sins.

Even more depressing is the subjective feeling we are “OK” and have done enough. This feeling will come and go, leaving us one day feeling forgiven, the next day wondering if there isn’t something else that needs to be done. We fear God has some ‘whammy’ waiting to strike us so that we will suffer some more.

The sad fact is the more realistic we are about our sins, the more hopeless we will feel as long as we try to atone for our own sins. In the words of the old hymn, “What can wash away my sins? Nothing but the blood of Jesus.” Accepting what Christ has done for us, and not trying to “reclaim” our sins from Him so we can carry them a bit more, is the first step in getting past the shame and guilt.

When you sin, you sin against God. He is the One you need to turn to and ask for forgiveness. You aren’t sinning against yourself, but only against God. Scripture teaches God forgives you when you humble yourself and ask Him to forgive you. Then your sin is forgiven and He remembers it no more!

Forgetting

What usually happens to us when we sin is we have trouble forgetting about them in our mind. This is not entirely our own doing, since our Adversary’s chief tactic  (meaning Satan’s tactic) is to accuse us. Even sins God has already forgiven can still work as accusations if we are willing to listen to his lies. “You’re no good.” “You’ll never learn, never change, never win.” Satan brings these charges to our mind. If we allow ourselves to get bogged down reliving our failures, he will defeat us every time.

Something that is very helpful in the healing process is to learn to praise and thank God for forgiving your sin whenever one is recalled in your mind. Satan uses your past sins to keep you in bondage, so a victorious way to break free from this is to “turn the tables” on him.

The next time you recall a sin in your life, such as a past sexual sin, repent of that sin and ask God to forgive you. Once you do, He has! Then if you ever recall the memory of that sin again, turn the recollection into a praise and thank Him that you have already been forgiven!

As you do this over and over, you will find yourself thinking less and less about that sin. Satan hates your praises, so the more you praise God, the less Satan is going to enjoy tempting you with painful memories.

This is one of the promises God gives us in Scripture when He talks about how ALL things work together for good for those that love the Lord. In this case, the “good” that comes from God begins to help make the painful memories fade as you thank Him for His forgiveness, mercy, and love.

Set Free

If you find you continue to have trouble getting over your sins from the past and you keep beating yourself up over them, here’s some encouraging words. Shannon Ethridge shares the words her best friend said to her one day when she was “beating herself up over some past sin. This quote is from her book, Every Woman’s Battle:

“Do you know what you are saying about the blood that Jesus shed for you when you refuse to forgive yourself for your past? You are saying that His blood wasn’t good enough for you. It didn’t have enough power to cleanse you.” She was right. Underlying all of my self-pity was the belief that what Jesus did for me couldn’t possibly be enough to rid me of my stain. I needed some special miracle to set me free, and until I got that miracle, I had to beat myself up as an act of penance. If this rings true for you as well, then guess what? The Holy Spirit is telling you the same thing He told me back then: Jesus opened your prison door. It’s up to you to walk out![2]

It is a sad fact that sin begets more sin. Sins hardly ever come just one at a time. In Scripture, we read how David gazed upon Bathsheba, lusted after her, called her to his palace, slept with her, and conspired to murder her husband. When David gave into the sin of lust, the “domino effect” was set into motion. In the same way, brooding over past sin, even lamenting past sins over and over, makes you more likely to fall again.

In Ethridge’s book, she makes it clear that her failure to accept God’s forgiveness made her more vulnerable to further temptation. If you see yourself of little worth, and refuse to believe God desires to have a relationship with you, you’ll find yourself trying to seek His acceptance and intimacy elsewhere. However, it is not a love that can be found with other people; it is a love that can only be found in Him!

To break the cycle of never feeling forgiven, you must hold on to Christ, and to the promise that He has freed you. Then the sequence can turn around the other way, and one forgiveness can lead to another–one act of grace to the next. As God forgives you, and you live in that truth, you can gain the power to forgive those who’ve hurt you and begin to forget about the sins you’ve committed yourself.

Seek God through prayer and ask Him to help you begin the healing process for overcoming past sexual sins in your life. As He helps you each step of the way, you will begin to experience newly found freedom in your relationship with your husband and come closer to being “naked and unashamed” in your sexuality.

(This article is an excerpt from A Wife’s Invitation to Intimacy.)

Footnotes:

[1] Nancy Leigh DeMoss, Lies Women Believe and the Truth that Sets Them Free (Chicago, IL: Moody Press, 2001), 100.

[2] Shannon Ethridge, Every Woman’s Battle: Discovering God’s Plan for Sexual and Emotional Fulfillment (Colorado Springs, CO: WaterBrook Press, 2003), 134.

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Sex before marriage is like giving your future mate the scraps.

If you gave yourself to someone sexually, especially someone other than your mate before you married, you became tied to that person(s) in a way God intended for us to only be tied sexually to our mate. It causes you to feel “less than whole” with your spouse. It can be like giving your mate the “scraps.” That’s because a part of you is missing from your sexual relationship.

If you gave yourself away before marriage, know that God will always forgive. All you have to do is ask Him to. Asking is easy and forgiveness is immediate, but sometimes it takes us time to feel whole again.

Read “How to Be Victorious Over Past Sexual Sin,” which is an excerpt from An Invitation to Intimacy and A Wife’s Invitation to Intimacy. While we all can learn from our past, it doesn’t have to dictate our future.

Get the help you need through reading and talking with close friends. And don’t forget to share God’s truths about sex and intimacy with your children when you believe they are ready. Use your experiences to help reclaim sex from the enemy and teach your children how God intended sex for marriage. They want to know, just like you did when you were growing up.

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(This is the second part of a four-part series entitled, “Hopes, Dreams, and Expectation”)

Here’s another way expectations can play out in a marriage: If neither spouse leaves, often one will conquer. The stronger of the two (physically or psychologically) gets their way. Their expectations get met, and the weaker partner gives way. If you are the winner, it can feel pretty good, but it’s very stressful to be on the losing side; and eventually the stress may lead to a breakdown or an eventual break-up in the marriage.

Then there’s a third scenario and it is called “compromise”—you do your part, I’ll do mine. I’ve got my friends, you have yours; you win some, I win some. This is probably the most common model of marriage, even in “successful” ones that are seen today. The problem is that it’s still managing expectations, and expectations have a way of ending up being stated as “You owe me.”  See if you’ve ever found yourself thinking like this:

• “When we got married, you promised to do_____, but you don’t.”
• “You said you’d love me, but…”
• “Yeah, well you said you’d submit, too, but…”

Expectations cause us to believe our spouse owes us something, and here is why expectations are so dangerous in marriage. If we owe things to each other, our marriage evolves into a debt-debtor relationship. In this type of relationship, there is no room for love. You see, nobody loves you simply for fulfilling a debt. All you’ve done is simply what’s expected of you. Here’s an example of what I mean.

If you pay your cell phone bill on time every month, the company doesn’t send you flowers! You don’t get any credit for simply meeting an expectation they have for you. In fact, the only way you get any attention in a debt-debtor relationship is to fail to meet the expectations placed upon you. In this situation, if you miss a few payments, you’ll get plenty of attention! They’ll send you cards in the mail! Why, they will even call you, and you won’t get a voice mail either! You will get personal attention all right, but it’s not the kind of attention you desire.

This is the way many marriages operate, too—you only get “personal attention” when you mess up. If we fulfill our spouse’s desires or dreams, we have done a wonderful thing and are praised. However, if we just meet their expectations, we don’t get any credit. We just make it up to “zero.” We simply “break even.” If “you owe me” is the driving force in my marriage, then I can’t really show my husband that I love him. There’s no room for sacrificial giving. All I can do is to try and jump high enough to clear the bar, and who knows where the bar will be today, tomorrow, or next year.

Now the answer to this dilemma is not to abandon all our desires. That might be the Buddhist answer—a position that states all sufferings are born of unfulfilled desires, so get rid of desire and you will never suffer. However, it is not the Christian answer. God created us to have desires and dreams, to be cherished and respected, to be appreciated and honored. Yet, we need to understand the critical difference between fulfilling a desire and meeting an expectation.

If I can satisfy one of my husband’s dreams or desires, then this is how I show my love for him. It leads to intimacy and romance. However, if I simply fulfill one of his expectations, then this attitude erodes intimacy and romance. The first situation is a covenant. It means, “I will, even if you won’t.” The second is a contract. It says, “I will, only if you do.” One way to tell where you are in all of this is simple. Start by looking at your life and see if you are (1) expressing gratitude and (2) performing acts of service. Ask yourself:

1. When was the last time I thanked my spouse?

2. When was the last time I did something to serve them—some simple task they are usually stuck with but I chose to do instead?

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With so many demands throughout the day, many husbands and wives are pretty tired by the time the little ones are tucked in bed. And if your kids have grown to be teenagers, you’ve probably had times when they stay up even later than you do. What can a couple do to find time to be alone, and energy enough to do more than stare at each other when the alone time finally arrives?

How about having some sexual encounters in the morning? I know, many of you just aren’t in the habit of thinking about morning lovemaking. We’re rushed and we’ve got things to do before we head out the door. Many of us tend to think of lovemaking as something we do at the end of the day. But if you are continually running out of steam before you have the chance to be intimate, try exchanging date nights for date mornings for at least some of the time.

In many marriages, the husband’s sexual drive is greater than his wife’s, and he desires more frequent sex. Some of these morning encounters may end up being “quickies,” but not all have to be. A relaxed time of intimacy on a Saturday morning can be a great start to the weekend. Having the children watch cartoons can put a smile on their faces as well as yours.

In the Sloderbeck household, mornings usually begin with a cup of coffee. The coffee pot is on a timer, and we allow about 45 minutes at the beginning of our morning to enjoy this ritual. One of us will go to the kitchen, pour two cups of coffee, and then enjoy conversation while we drink it while we recline in each of our chairs. It’s a great way for us to connect in the mornings before Jim leaves for work.

Over the years, however, we’ve found that making a date for morning intimacy is worth it, even if we have to cut short our coffee time some mornings. Having awakened from a restful night’s sleep, we find our energy levels are at their peak.

Jeff Foxworthy, of “You might be a redneck” fame, once said, “When you’re young, and you have a choice between sex and sleep, you skip the sleep and go for sex. When you’re older, you go for sleep and hope you dream of sex!”

Sex before coffee can give you the best of both worlds.

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Experts that study marriage say our home is often the worst place to find romance because of all the distractions.[1] Does your home feel like this sometimes? Ideally, you want to create a place in your home where you and your spouse and enjoy a place of refuge with peace and quiet–a sanctuary of sorts.

In a book entitled, Intimacy Ignited, the authors describe a place in the Bible where David would run to for refuge and safety in the middle of the desert when ever he was trying to escape the wrath of King Saul. This sanctuary was known as Engedi.

Engedi was an oasis in the midst of a very dry land. Beautiful plants, various wild life, and fresh, clean water were plentiful. Even today, Engedi is an amazing contrast to the desert that surrounds it.

I really like what this image brings to mind and the atmosphere we would want to achieve in our homes, so for the remainder of this article, let’s refer to our bedrooms as “Engedi.”

Start by imaging what an oasis and sanctuary would be like in your home. What comes to your mind? What does this special place look like? Did you picture a secluded cabin in the woods? Was it a deserted beach?

Now ask yourself these questions:

• Why do these places “feel” so special?
• Why do they seem so “perfect” for lovemaking?

When we speak of making our bedrooms an Engedi, we are talking about trying to make them feel like a place we seek out–like a sanctuary. When we speak of a sanctuary, words like “retreat, oasis, a hideout,” and “safe shelter” come to mind.

Your Engedi should create a setting where you and your spouse feel relaxed and peaceful. It should actually be the most beautiful room in your home which will often become your favorite room as well.

In a book entitled, Intimate Issues, authors Linda Dillow and Lorraine Pintus say, “Walk into your bedroom and take a long look. Is it a place set for passionate love? If not, set the stage.”[2]

One of the activities I enjoy sharing with my students in my class on sex and intimacy in marriage is to as them several questions about the state of their “Engedi”:

• Is your bedroom a space that welcomes you?
• Is it clean and organized?
• Is it attractive and pleasing to look at?
• Is it a creative setting for your lovemaking?
• Is it a private, secure, and romantic hideaway?
• Is it a sanctuary for the king and queen of your home?

It always gets them thinking about this important space in their home–often for the first time from the point of view of taking the time and effort to make their bedrooms beautiful.

If you are reading this article with your spouse, or plan to discuss this idea with them, consider discussing this question: If you could snap your fingers and change anything about your bedroom, what would it be, and why? This usually begins a conversation between the two of you that can be enlightening, as well as productive with positive changes.

Maybe your Engedi needs a little work. Whatever you do, don’t let your Engedi frustrate you–simply decide to make some changes a little bit at a time and it can become what the two of you want and even enjoy doing together. Even if you both love the way your bedroom looks right now, you might read something here that inspires you to make some subtle changes–you know, those little things that can make Engedi even more special, now or in the future.

To begin, make sure Engedi ministers to your senses. God created us with the wonderful sense of seeing, tasting, hearing, touching, and smelling. Try to keep these in mind as you evaluate the following aspects of your bedroom.

1. Privacy. Make sure there’s a lock on your bedroom door and use it! Feeling secure during your lovemaking is critical for any woman. Safety from intruders (even small, friendly one) is at the top of a wife’s list in feeling relaxed!

2. Eliminate noises outside the bedroom. If you are easily distracted by noises outside your bedroom during lovemaking, you can try these tips:

• Run a floor fan or sound machine in your room to block out noises
• Play or turn up some music so you don’t hear noises outside your door

3. Have different types of lighting. Different forms of lighting will not only enhance your lovemaking, but can create a relaxing atmosphere.

• Consider plugging your lamps into dimmer switches, and replacing regular wall switches with these as well.
• Purchase small table lamps and use low-wattage bulbs
• Place strands of white Christmas-tree lights in artificial plants or trees if you use these as decorations in your bedroom
• Candlelight is very romantic; however, if you are sensitive to smells, purchase unscented ones or those with gentle fragrances like vanilla or almond

4. Make this space beautiful. Your mood can be greatly enhanced by what you see.

• Purchase a beautiful bed covering for your bed. Your bed takes up a large percentage of the space in your room, so make sure it is something you both enjoy looking at. (And be sure to make your bed every morning as well. “Make your bed–make your day” really pays off here.)
• Buy attractive curtains or shades for your windows
• Pillows can add a great deal of visual interest to a room. They also offer comfort and uniqueness to your times of lovemaking as props

5. Focus on your sense of hearing. Sounds like:

• Your favorite relaxing and romantic CDs playing can make your stress level from the day’s activities come down tremendously
• A small bubbling fountain trickling in the background can bring soothing and relaxing results

6. Enhance your sexual desire through smell. Try some of these ideas:

• Scented linen sprays you both enjoy
• Scented candles
• Ask your husband to wear your favorite after-shave lotion
• Buy your wife a favorite cologne that reminds you of her

I distinctly remember how this whole concept about Engedi first impacted me. Through my studies on sex and intimacy in marriage, I began to understand just how important Engedi is in my relationship with Jim. I tend to be a very practical person and I’m not very extravagant. However, I had underestimated how important it was to make our bedroom a place that was both beautiful and inviting to both of us.

The light bulb went off for me several years ago after I finished reading Intimate Issues. Literally, the next weekend I went shopping so I could beautify, and “sexify” our bedroom to make it more inviting and relaxing. It has proven to be some of the best money, and time, I’ve ever spent!

7. Train your children to respect your privacy. Teach your children to knock on your bedroom door before entering. Even a toddler can learn to do this. This reminds them that this is a special place for mom and dad. After all, it’s not their playroom.

Jim and I both want to encourage the two of you to brainstorm some ideas on how you, too, can improve your Engedi as you share ideas for giving it a well-deserved makeover and/or facelift!

(This article is an excerpt from the Couple’s Workbook for a Bible study on Song of Solomon entitled, Passionate Partnership: A Couple’s Invitation to Intimacy.

Footnotes:

[1] Lorilee Craker, We Should Do This More Often: A Parents’ Guide to Romance, Passion, and Other Pre-Child Activities You Vaguely Recall (Colorado Springs, CO: WaterBrook Press, 2005), 43.

[2] Linda Dillow and Lorraine Pintus, Intimate Issues: 21 Questions Christian Women Ask About Sex (Colorado Springs, CO: WaterBrook Press, 1999), 223.

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Maintaining a healthy sex life is the goal of most married couples, yet when either partner feels disconnected from their mate sexually, it can be frustrating trying to figure out why.

I was reading recently about ways to develop a great sex life and I realized that sometimes our sexual relationship is greatly hindered by things as common as anger or tension.

When we are angry with our mate, we may not always say anything verbally to them, but instead we will exhibit our discontent with our spouse simply by withholding our affections from them. This is often “communicated” by a lack of sexual desire or indifference to lovemaking. It can even be felt by our mate when we find ourselves “going through the motions,” but our hearts are a million miles away.

If you suspect your spouse is angry about something or with you, pray for a time to speak with them. Lovingly share that you want to know what is upsetting them and are willing to listen and try to work things out. Remember to speak using “I” sentences, rather than contemptuous ones like, “You this, and you that.”

While anger and misunderstandings will happen in a marriage, sometimes lovemaking doesn’t happen because of stress. We all know that modern life is stressful, even when the two of us are getting along. Things like financial responsibilities, family obligations, and work-related issues can wreck havoc on our sex lives, yet learning to communicate and figuring out ways to deal with stress are critical because stress is almost impossible to avoid.

If you suspect your spouse is overly stressed, try talking to them to find out what is bothering them. Even when you think you know, it is always validating to your spouse to allow them to voice their thoughts to you. Sometimes what you think is the problem may not be totally what is going on. Consider saying something like, “I sense that you are tense about… Is there any way I can help?” Be sure to listen attentively, offering support and empathy. Your willingness to provide a listening ear is a guaranteed way of building intimacy between you both.

While you are conversing, look for an opportunity to touch your mate. Something as simple as a backrub or massage during your conversation can bring calmness of spirit to your spouse because touching can be very therapeutic for relieving stress.  Consider offering a long soak in a bubble bath or some time in the hot tub can provide opportunities for relaxing and be a sexual turn-on for your mate.

The hormone, testosterone, is largely responsible for the sexual desire in humans. Statistically, a man’s sex drive is stronger than a woman’s and there is medical reason for this phenomenon. You see, a man has 15 times more testosterone running through his body than a woman does, and we all know what testosterone does!

When a woman fails to understand her husband’s physical need for sex and how he is wired, she can find herself thinking he’s a “sex fiend,” a jerk, and even abnormal. However, as Dr. Kevin Leman says in his book, Making Sense of the Men in Your Life: What Makes Them Tick, What Ticks You Off, and How to Live in Harmony:

Your husband is not a pervert for being seemingly obsessed with sex. He’s not sick for being turned on at 6:00 a.m. when he sees you coming out of the shower, naked, even though you’ve just had a tsunami of an argument. He’s not a sex fiend. He’s your normal, average, everyday man. And the sooner you become comfortable with your husband’s desire for more and better sex, the sooner you’ll be on your way to a happier marriage. [1]

If you’re a woman, you may not realize the importance sex plays in the life of your husband. Much of what is discussed in A Wife’s Invitation to Intimacy deals with helping a woman understand the needs of her husband and specific things she can do to cooperate with how God wired him. While there is a lot that can be said on this subject, meeting a husband’s needs in this area of life are not terribly complicated. Sharing this resource with a small group of friends can provide wives a safe place to discuss the material contained in this book and discover just how “normal” her husband really is.

In closing, I thought you’d enjoy this short video clip from Mark Gungor, an author and seminar speaker on sex and intimacy in marriage. He will make this topic of men and sex perfectly clear!

Footnotes:

[1] Kevin Leman, Making Sense of the Men in Your Life: What Makes Them Tick, What Ticks You Off, and How to Live in Harmony (Nashville, TN: Thomas Nelson, Inc., 2000), 130.

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Do you ever feel like your sex life is in a rut? Do you make love in the same way, at the same time, and in the same place? If you answered yes, then chances are you and your spouse need some creativity.

In the Song of Solomon 7:11-13, Solomon’s wife speaks of going to the countryside and making love outdoor! That’s definitely adventureous, and it’s in the Bible!

Oftentimes, our sense of adventure is missing in our sexual relationship. We can treat our sex life as something we’re just supposed to do, or we think that we’ll figure out different things to do when the time comes. However, when the time comes for intimacy, we often end up having sex the same way, at the same time, and in the same place. Repetition sets in and sex becomes boring and routine.

Now, there is a place for old favorites; that’s what makes them favorites! In 7:13 of Song of Solomon, Shulamith (the name I like to use for Solomon’s wife) speaks about having both new and old “delicacies” to share with her husband.

She tends to mix things up a bit for Solomon. She promises him new and adventurous things (like making love outdoors!) while giving him treats she knows he enjoys.

Below are a few suggestions to help you and your spouse bring some creativity and adventure into your sex life.

• Make love outdoors.
• Make love in every room of your house. Decide as a couple to have sex in every room of your home over the course of a year.
• Try new sexual positions. Whether you consult books or purchase something like a deck of cards with drawings of different positions, experiencing some variety can be exciting.
• If conditions permit, spend the whole day relaxing and even working around the house naked.
• Put a temporary tattoo on your body somewhere, and then ask your spouse to find it.

Remember, your sexual relationship needs nurturing, just like your marriage and your children. Make an effort to get creative and surprise your mate by getting your sex life out of the rut.

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As with any great stage production, there are certain elements involved in a sexual encounter that can make it enjoyable and satisfying.

The following suggestions are to help the two of you begin to think about and discuss together to enhance your sexual relationship. While each item isn’t necessarily a requirement for each encounter, they are ideas that can help the two of you decide what is important to each of you as you prepare for intimacy–inside and outside of your bedroom.

Atmosphere and Setting:

• Different degrees of lighting. These can set the stage for romance. Candlelight, lights that are plugged into dimmer switches, as well as artificial trees with small strings of lights running through them can be very effective
• Privacy. A door with a lock on it for privacy can really help a wife to relax.
• A comfortable temperature. An overhead ceiling fan can help a great deal with keeping a room at a pleasant temperature
• Mood music. Whether you desire jazz or soft classical music, purchase a CD player or an ipod with speakers to set the mood.
• Linens that smell good. Consider using some of the wonderful linen sprays available now.
• Mirrors. Mirrors can be very exciting, especially for the husband. Remember, he’s wired to be visual!
• Oils and Lotions. Warming oils, edible oils, and massage lotions are wonderful to use on each other and dramatically wake up your sense of touch and smell.

Body Preparations:

• Body Odor. Many couples prefer fresh, clean smelling bodies; however, some seem to be turned on by sweaty ones. Be sure to discuss your preference with your mate.
• Lingerie. Lingerie is an important investment, not only for the wife but for a husband, too.

• Hygiene. Personal hygiene is another important factor. Clean hair and teeth also rate high on the list for enhancing intimacy.
• Shaving. Shaven legs for the ladies and faces for the men are personal preferences. Share what you prefer with your mate.
• Cologne. Applying your mate’s favorite cologne or perfume on your body can create special memories as well. Certain smells can cause us to recall specific events in our past and can play an integral part in our lovemaking.
• Lubrication. If dryness is a problem for your mate, be sure to include lubrication. There’s no sense in your partner experiencing pain at a time like this.

Taking time to discuss such things as are listed above can help your sexual relationship tremendously. While this is certainly not an exhaustive list, it can give you both the tools necessary to enhance your intimacy and times of lovemaking.

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