Ladies, what kind of expectations do you have for your husband?

• Do you expect him to be able to read your mind?
• Do you think he should just know what you want or need from him without asking?
• Do you think you shouldn’t have to ask him more than once to do something?

I don’t know about you, but sometimes when I’m honest with myself, I find myself being rather unrealistic about what I expect from my husband.

Recently, I was teaching An Invitation to Intimacy to a group of married women and we were talking about a comment I heard a speaker from a marriage conferences state. He said that whenever a woman is asked to describe “the perfect man,” she will invariably describe another woman! This is so true, isn’t it?

In all honesty, I think this is exactly what I often do. Since I’m a woman and don’t think like a man, I can find myself believing that my husband should think like me. I think there is a natural tendency for us as women to do this to our men. Then when they don’t measure up, we can become irritated and short tempered because they just don’t “get it.”

There is a fascinating book entitled, His Brain Her Brain by Walt and Barbara Larimore which discusses how our divinely designed differences can actually strengthen our marriages. It is full of documented studies, showing how our brains as men and women are so different, beginning with the 6th week of gestation.

Because Walt Larimore is a physician, he brings authority to his writing of the medical evidence presented in this book. I thoroughly enjoyed learning more about the differences between men and women, and especially appreciated learning how the medical community is admitting and sharing the facts of how God created us “male and female.” I often find myself reciting this statement: Our differences are supposed to fascinate and complete us as a couple–not frustrate us.

Being married to my man for 36 years now has been incredibly fulfilling, yet there have also been challenges. And truthfully, most of our times of tension, disagreement, and frustration have been when I was unrealistic in what I expected from him. I’ll admit this is something I’m still working on.

In closing, I came across an interesting thought that I have been pondering recently. I believe it will help you as well.

It comes from a preacher/speaker named Mark Gungor who is someone I thoroughly enjoy reading and listening to. In an email tip I received, he stated that as women, we often hold our husbands to a higher standard than we do God!

Wow! Really? How so?

He says that as women, we can find ourselves expecting our husbands to do things without being asked….(true!)….and if we have asked them to do something, we don’t expect to have to ask them more than once……(Okay. Your point?)…….

Well, here it is: Whenever we want something from God, we have to ask Him, even though He already knows what we want! Humm………

And even though He already knows what we want, Jesus instructed us to be persistent in our prayers, by asking more than once! Ouch!…..

Yep! Guilty as charged! Man, there are times I just expect Jim to read my mind, maybe even like God does, which I know intellectually is impossible. And when I do this, it means I am holding Jim to a higher standard than I do God because I expect him to know what I want without asking more than once. Very convicting!

So, I guess the bottom line for me is this–If God expects me to ask Him more than once for the things I want and need, then it’s only fair to lovingly and patiently make my requests known to my husband……..even if it takes more than once!

How about you? Are your expectations for your husband unrealistic? If so, remember–he’s not a woman!

For this round of classes, I decided I wanted to do something different. After having taught An Invitation to Intimacy fourteen other times, I once again tried to think of something “new” to bring to this set of students.

After evaluating my skills, I realized I had learned how to do some PowerPoint a year ago, but had not done much with it. So, after some time refreshing my memory and learning some things I had not known before, I began with lesson one.

It certainly took longer than I had expected to format the information into slides, but after numerous efforts, I created my first PowerPoint presentation for An Invitation to Intimacy. I have to say, it went very well. It was visually interesting and having facts and powerful statements up on the big screen was an even more effective way of helping these women comprehend the information being presented.

You see, once the presentation is created, it can be saved as a PowerPoint file to your computer. Then you simply launch the file, hook your computer up to a projector with a gadget called a dongle which is simply a small piece of hardware that connects on the side of a laptop or desktop computer. (It’s the place on the side of a laptop that has two rows of holes. Contact me if you would like a picture.)

Once you have your computer hooked up to the projector, you just need a screen or a big wall for viewing. It’s really quite easy. It just takes a little bit of setting up.

Since that first week, I’ve been creating a PowerPoint presentation for each week. I’m all the way through week 6 and plan to continue with the rest of the lessons.

In the future, I would like to make these available for leaders to purchase so the lessons can be presented in a more powerful way. Being a visual learner myself, I find that even now I am better able to retain more of the information I’m sharing with others than I probably did in the past.

I’ll let you know later this summer, or simply check back under the leader resources for availability. Like me, you might even find that the PowerPoint presentations will take the place of the leader’s guide.

I don’t know how many of you have ever read Shaunti Feldhahn’s book, For Women Only, but it is a book I believe every married woman should read.

I discovered this book about four years ago, not long after its release. Since I teach classes on sex and intimacy in marriage, I was especially curious about what it had to say regarding the sexual relationship. When I opened up the book for the first time, scanned the table of contents, and saw the chapter entitled, “Sex Changes Everything: Why Sex Unlocks a Man’s Emotions (Guess Who Holds the Key?),” I decided to buy it.

As I began reading, I learned that Shaunti wrote this book after beginning a different project. She was in the process of writing a fictional novel and the main character was a man. During the course of trying to write her book, she discovered quite by accident that a man thinks very differently from what she believed a man thought.

It was during this time that she and her husband Jeff contacted a national survey company and began compiling questions to send out to men around the country who would answer different questions and could make comments on various topics. The results of that survey are what prompted the writing of this book.

While some of the information in Shaunti’s book didn’t surprise me, like, “Men want more sex.” However, it was statements like, “Men want more sex than they are getting. And what’s more, they believe that the women who love them don’t seem to realize that this is a crisis-not only for the man but for the relationship.”[1]

How about this one: I had always known that men were attracted to beautiful women. God wired men to be “lookers.” Shaunti calls a beautiful woman that attracts the attention of a man as an “eye magnet.”[2] Yet, these next statements caught my attention: “A woman with a great body is an “eye magnet” and is incredibly difficult to avoid, and even if a man forces himself not to look, he is acutely aware of her presence. Secondly, even when no such eye magnet is present, each man has a “mental Rolodex” of stored images that can intrude into his thoughts without warning or can be called up at will.”[3] In other words, a man can’t not be affected by the presence of a beautiful woman, even if he is a happily married man.[4]

There are many other revealing truths that come to light through the reading of this book. It’s not hard to read mostly because it’s a small book with fairly large print. Plus, the chapters are not overwhelming in length.

I strongly encourage you to spend a few dollars and some time reading through For Women Only. Not only was it a book I thoroughly enjoyed, but I’ve used several different quotes in my classes, as well as having some great conversations about this book with my husband.

Footnotes:
1. Shaunti Feldhahn, For Women Only: What You Need to Know about the Inner Lives of Men (Sisters, OR: Multnomah Publishers, Inc., 2004), 91.
2. Feldhahn, For Women Only, 111.
3. Feldhahn, For Women Only, 111-112.
4. Feldhahn, For Women Only, 112-113.

Originally posted 2009-06-19 11:58:48. Republished by Blog Post Promoter

Not very long ago I was reminded of a book I once read that had encouraged Jim and me to change what we did and had in our bedroom. It talked about decluttering and making our bedroom a place of relaxation and one that provided a peaceful environment. Another book I read even said that the only things that should happen in the bedroom are sex and sleep!

I remember how convicting those books were for me. In fact, after I learned these things and thought about them for awhile, I realized there were some things I could do to improve the atmosphere of our bedroom.

I had started by putting up some pretty drapes, buying a CD player to play some relaxing music, and getting an artificial tree for the corner of our room with little red and white lights strung through it. That way we could enjoy some soft lighting and beautiful music whenever we wanted to relax or be intimate. With two big La-Z-Boy recliners along a wall that used to be filled with books from floor to ceiling (definitely a distraction to me because of how messy they could look), we had done a pretty good job of creating Engedi for the two of us. Distractions were finally at an all-time low.

However, there has been an issue we have needed to deal with lately–laptop computers in the bedroom. We haven’t had a television in our bedroom since the late 70’s, so that distraction hasn’t been a problem for a very long time, but I realized we were spending a lot of time on our computers back in our room in the evenings. A great deal of what we did was worthy of our time; however, we often found ourselves working late into the night when we could have been spending our time together reading, talking, or being intimate–even going to sleep at a decent hour!

Well, a few weeks ago, we had a discussion and realized we needed to do something different concerning this issue. We talked about how we could have more time together and decided to move our laptops out of the bedroom once dinnertime occurred. That would keep us remain visible to other family members and give us opportunities to become involved with them during the evenings. Plus, we decided to encourage each other to head for the bedroom at a decent hour.

Except for an occasional project that causes one, or both of us to have to work late, we are definitely doing better. Removing our computers from the bedroom in the evenings has allowed us more time to be intimate, to relax after the children go to bed (which can be a challenge when you live with teenagers) and to get a decent night’s sleep.

I predict we will struggle with this on occasion, but at least for now, the distractions in our bedroom are under control. And to be honest, I guess that is the best anybody can hope for

Sometimes a student will not be able to make it to the very first class. When this happens, I try to meet with her briefly and give her a handout before the second class occurs.

This allows us a few moments to get acquainted with each other, if we don’t already know each other, and for me to answer any questions she may have.

I also give her a handout that covers the material she missed from week 1. This allows her a chance to feel like she has some ideas of what will be covered in class.

Just for your information–I do not offer a handout to my students if they miss any other weeks of class. I find that the students help each other whenever this happens, plus I just haven’t made the time to do this.

If you decide this is important for your students, then feel free to do so. Just know that you will have to compose them yourself.

Originally posted 2009-06-30 09:29:20. Republished by Blog Post Promoter

In marriage each partner is looking for a place to feel safe. Unconditional love is the cornerstone of what it means to be safe–to feel that you are together no matter what. That safety is built by the absence of criticism or judging.

Trust is diminished whenever you feel as though you have to “measure up” to some standard, or that your situation is uncertain. You could share the most beautiful home in the world, but if you feel like your performance is being judged, things will not feel safe.

One very important element that is necessary for feeling safe in your relationship involves trust. Trust is the foundational ingredient needed in a marriage. It is the basis of all human relationships.

Trust comes from the Old English word troth and it means truth.[1] As Bible scholars Dan Allender and Tremper Longman share in their book, The Intimate Mystery:

To trust another person is to count them as a person who loves the truth. It is not merely a matter of being honest; it is being a person who loves integrity and can admit when truth is lacking in their life.[2]

Trust can almost be like a type of thermometer that measures the nature and the character of a relationship. Usually, the more positive we feel about a person, the more we tend to trust them. Similarly, the opposite is also true–the more negative or mistrust we have for a person, the greater potential there is for anxiety and division.

Here’s another definition of trust in marriage you may find helpful:

Trust is the ability to be totally real, authentic, and unguarded with your lover. It means being able to bring all parts of yourself to [your mate], good and bad, strong and weak, without fear of condemnation or judgment. It has to do with not needing to edit or color what you say or who you are for fear of [your mate's] reaction.[3]

As you can see, this type of trust will definitely ensure an attitude of safety in your relationship.

Now, in the context of our marriages, and especially within our sexual relationship, it’s important to understand the difference between trust and love. As Christians, we are commanded to love our spouse. God desires for us to show agape love toward our mate. It is a love that is unconditional and doesn’t have to be earned and should never be lost.

However, trust is different. Unlike love, it does have to be earned by our mate. Trust “is earned over a lifetime through small moments of faithfulness.”[4] Learning, and being able to trust your spouse with your dreams, fears, and your feelings is not always easy. It is something that is built between the two of you whenever one of you becomes vulnerable to the other.

This is why trust is so vital to a marriage. In many ways, trust could be considered the foundation of a marriage.[5] While trust and love must be nurtured and built throughout a marriage, trusting your mate allows love to flourish. It allows you to feel safe, protected and cherished in your relationship.

When you express your fears and failures to your mate and they are met with a positive response, your trust will grow and deepen. However, when your expressions are met with criticisms and you feel beaten down, your trust in your mate will fracture.

Author Annette LaPlaca states, “Every instance of significant forgiveness and grace in your marriage makes trust and hope grow.”[6] Without a deep level of trust in your marriage, you won’t have the foundation necessary to build and enjoy the love life you want.[7] The atmosphere of safety will not be there without the peaceful and secure environment trust provides.

(Here is where you will find part 2 of Trust)

Footnotes:

1. Dan B. Allender and Tremper Longman III, The Intimate Mystery: Creating Strength and Beauty in Your Marriage (Downers Grove, IL: InterVarsity Press, 2005), 42.
2. Allender and Longman, The Intimate Mystery, 42.
3. Dr. Henry Cloud and Dr. John Townsend, Rescue Your Love Life: Changing Those Dumb Attitudes and Behaviors That Will Sink Your Marriage (Nashville, TN: Integrity Publishers, 2005), 198-199.
4. Allender and Longman, The Intimate Mystery, 43.
5. Allender and Longman, The Intimate Mystery, 43.
6. Annette LaPlaca, “Clearing the Air,” found at http://www.christianitytoday.com/mp/6m/6m3040.html on 7.29.07.
7. Henry and Townsend, Rescue Your Love Life, 199.

Originally posted 2009-09-20 15:22:10. Republished by Blog Post Promoter

I came across this video on YouTube that certainly got me thinking about, “how often do I tell my husband I love and respect him?”

Busyness, stress, and tiredness can cause us to forget to speak meaningful words of love and appreciation to our mate. Fortunately, this is something that doesn’t need to be difficult to correct. There are certainly some fun and expressive ways we can do this. Here are just a few enjoyable options you can purchase to help you tell your mate how much you love them every day of the year!

1. 52 Weeks of Romance–Features over 100 scratch-off cards containing romantic I.O.U.’s suggestions. Comprised of coupons, romantic interludes and much more.
2. The Love Dare Day by Day–Here is a year of devotions that will encourage and challenge couples toward new steps in faith and love. Marital encouragements, reminders, and action points are included for 365 days of showing and telling your mate of your love for them.
3. Secret Romance: 100 Ways to Say “I Love You”–Here are 100 different ways to tell your spouse you love them, and some can be “said” without even saying a word.
4. “I Love You” Pillowcases–Here is a great reminder for saying “I love you” each night before you go to sleep.

If you happen to come up with any other great ways to say, “I love you,” I’d love to hear from you. This is definitely an area in marriage where words of love are so needed and can also create some memorable times together!

If you decide to use door prizes for your class, I find using name cards very helpful. If you do, you will use these beginning in week 2.

I like to print off name cards onto heavy cardstock and print their names on the line provided. Here is an photo of what one looks like.(A master sheet with 6 blank name cards is included in the Colored Graphics package from the Leader’s Guide available for purchase on this site.)

I also laminate them using a 9 x 12 sheet of clear laminate as a way of prolonging the life of the cardstock, although this certainly is not necessary.

I keep the cards in a small container. I use a small, rectangular-shaped plastic container with a divider down the middle, which also has a lid. I use this for storing the cards from week to week.

Once class is underway, I pass the container around. If a student has completed her homework, she takes her name card from the side of the container with all the student name cards in it and places hers in the other side that says “completed homework.” If she hasn’t done the homework, her card remains where it is.

When everyone has finished passing around the container, I take the cards from the completed-homework side, turn the cards upside down in my hands, and have a student draw for the winner. The winner is then awarded the door prize and we all take a few moments to enjoy watching her unwrap her “treasure.”

Originally posted 2009-07-01 09:32:33. Republished by Blog Post Promoter

Two Important Facts about a Woman's Sexual Arousal

When you consider how God made us different sexually as husbands and wives, have you ever wondered, “What was God thinking?” When He created us so differently, and then asked us to become one, it makes me believe that God must have a sense of humor.

In the area of sexual arousal, there are two particular areas a couple will be forced to deal with in their relationship–time and distractions. A woman is wired almost completely opposite of her husband in these two areas.

When it comes to sexual arousal, a woman needs time in order for her body to respond sexually to her mate’s advances; however, a man is usually able to be aroused and even reach climax in a matter of minutes.

Here’s a good rule to help put this in perspective: the next time your husband wants to have a quickie, pay attention to how long it takes him to reach a climax. Once you know this number, place a zero after it. This is a pretty accurate figure for how long it takes the wife to reach orgasm.

If a couple isn’t aware that it is normal for the wife to take as much as ten times longer to become fully aroused, there can be tension, impatience, and a feeling of failure in the sexual relationship. Knowing that a woman requires more time than her husband allows both partners in the couple to cooperate with her body.

Then there’s the matter of privacy. Dr. Kevin Leman (a Christian psychologist, famous author and speaker for marriage and family relationships) shares in his book, Sheet Music how his wife has “the half-mile rule.” He says when they are having a sexual encounter, she doesn’t want anything that might distract her within a half-mile of where they are. Funny, but definitely true for most women.**

Because of how women are wired, they are aware of most things going on around them. Even in intimate moments, it is difficult for her to turn her “antennae” off. This is why a woman will often hear noises her husband does not and why it can be difficult for her to remain focused and “in the moment.”

Her need for privacy is huge in order for her to feel safe. She simply will have trouble relaxing and “getting in the mood” if she has to worry that the two of you will wake the baby or that your parents will hear you from the next room. Privacy is a very necessary ingredient for her in order for her to be able to relax and reach a climax.

To illustrate these two aspects of the sexual relationship, I thought you would enjoy this short video clip from a FamilyLife workshop.

While the two of you may have struggled with the issue of time and privacy in your sexual relationship, it’s always comforting to know that you aren’t the only ones.

**Sheet Music: Uncovering the Secrets of Sexual Intimacy in Marriage is a book I thoroughly enjoyed reading. It had a great deal of helpful information and ideas for married couples. The first four chapters are written for couples preparing to be married and Dr. Leman provides them with knowledge of how their future mate is wired and designed.

This book also dispels myths about sex and contains many ideas a couple could incorporate into their lovemaking. I believe you’ll find the chapter entitled, “33 Flavors” to be a real eyeopener!

Originally posted 2009-07-01 14:07:17. Republished by Blog Post Promoter

I recently heard a sermon in which our pastor illustrated how God’s Word can cut to our hearts like a sword, just like it did in Acts 2 when Peter spoke to the crowd on the Day of Pentecost. He preached to them about how they had crucified the Son of God. “When the people heard this, they were cut to the heart and said to Peter and the other apostles, “Brothers, what shall we do?” Peter replied, “Repent and be baptized, every one of you, in the name of Jesus Christ for the forgiveness of your sins…”(Acts 2:37–38a)

I was really impacted by our pastor’s statement when he said, “Before the truth can change you, it first has to cut you.”

As can be seen in the following chapters of Acts, those who were “cut to the heart” later devoted themselves to the apostles’ teaching, to the fellowship, to the breaking of bread, to prayer, and gave to anyone who had a need (Acts 2:42–45). The transformation that took place after their hearts were pierced began to show outwardly in what they said and did. The Truth changed them from the inside out. Then in turn, God’s Word, described as a seed in Luke 8:11, took root and grew in their lives as His Word continued to be preached and practiced in the early church.

As I have reflected on this message, I’ve been struck by how this kind of “surgery” needs to occur in many of us in order to benefit our marriages. Sometimes our hopes, expectations, routines, and even habits cause our hearts to harden toward our mate, causing positive and nourishing growth to be minimal or even non-existent.

Some things I’ve read and noticed in my teaching about marriage through listening and conversations causes me concern about how some couples view their marital and sexual relationship. Some of these center around attitudes like:

• Women resenting their husbands because they are wired differently from them sexually
• Husbands downplaying the need of their wives to be romanced and cherished
• Wives who choose not to respect their husbands because he hasn’t earned it
• Couples forgetting to keep each other as their top priority (after their relationship with Christ, that is) and allowing their child(ren) to become the “center of the family”
• Spouses giving up on their marriages because they aren’t happy with their mate anymore

I find myself pondering what would happen if more of us underwent a “heart transformation.” God wants to convict us of our sins so our hearts and lives can be changed and our lives used more effectively for Him. He wants to plant seeds in our lives that will transfigure us and demonstrate to the world how God desires marriage to be.

In marriages between two good-willed people (mates who have their spouses’ best interests at heart), God’s Word provides answers for most any marital situation. I’ve witnessed and read testimonies of how sharing God’s Word through classes like An Invitation to Intimacy and Passionate Partnership have brought healing, forgiveness, and renewal. Initially, many are cut to the heart, and what follows are seeds that take root, resulting in nourishment and growth in marriages.

As the Church is waking up to what God desires for marriages and is boldly writing and speaking about His gifts to us, the time is ripe for Christians to reclaim what Satan has been allowed to steal!