Hopes, Dreams, and Expectations in Marriage (Part 1 of 4)

Marriage can be one of the most wonderful blessing in our lives, when we do it right. For the purposes of this article, I will be writing from a marital standpoint—one where I assume the reader is already married. However, if you’re not married yet, what you will read is something both you and your future spouse will have to deal with once you are.

My husband and I once heard a series of messages dealing with hopes and expectations in marriage, and how they affect your relationship. As I share with you from my own personal experience, I believe you’ll be able to relate to what I say as well.

As Jim and I prepared for our future together back in 1974, we each approached our marriage with a “box” full of dreams, desires, and wishes—an imaginary one, mind you, but they were real expectations we brought from our own backgrounds. We could hardly have done otherwise. We had just spent the last five years together, getting to know each other as best friends and falling in love. I became a Christian because of our relationship, and life held so much promise for us as we began a life together consisting of medical school, working full time, and church. When Jim and I marched down the aisle on that spring evening and stood at the altar, it was as if each of us had our box of hopes and dreams right alongside us. As we said, “I do,” we both were full of hopes and dreams for the future.

Imagine with me for a moment that you, too, held a small box in your hands on our wedding day and you carried it with you on your way to the altar. In addition, your spouse had his or her own box as well. Contained within these imaginary boxes were your hopes and dreams for your marriage–things like the career you planned to have, what your life together would look like, how many children you would have, what kind of car you would drive, where you’d live, things you’d both always do, and even things the two of you would never do.

Unfortunately, what happened next is at the root of many problems in marriage whether we realize it or not.

As each of us walked out of the sanctuary, our dreams, wishes and desires “magically” began to change. Before we even realized it, our hopes had somehow become expectations. Before it was, “We have a dream that one day we will…” But, then it becomes, “I expect you to do such-and-such…You’re my husband—I assume you will do this. That’s what husbands do, don’t they?”

Sometimes these expectations are based on memories we grew up with. For a husband it might be something like: “My mother always kept the house spotless and had dinner ready when Dad got home, why can’t you?” Or for a wife it could be: “My daddy never said ‘no’ to me when I asked for something. What’s wrong with you?”

As you can imagine, expectations can create conflict. And what happens when our expectations collide with our spouse’s expectations? Well, sometimes, one spouse will bail out. She’ll say things like, “He’s not what I expected,” or he’ll think, “She wanted too much that I couldn’t give.” This “bailing out” may be physical, meaning 43% of first marriages end in divorce, as well as 60% of remarriages!

On the other hand, it may be an emotional bailing out, where you share a bedroom, but take your dreams and your energies elsewhere. However, the problem with bailing out is that you take your box of expectations with you wherever you go! Leaving a marriage, whether it’s physical or emotional, doesn’t fix the problem. I remember seeing a poster that read, “The only constant in all of your failed relationships is you.” Definitely sad, but true.