Hopes, Dreams, and Expectations in Marriage (Part 2 of 4)

(This is the second part of a four-part series entitled, “Hopes, Dreams, and Expectation”)

Here’s another way expectations can play out in a marriage: If neither spouse leaves, often one will conquer. The stronger of the two (physically or psychologically) gets their way. Their expectations get met, and the weaker partner gives way. If you are the winner, it can feel pretty good, but it’s very stressful to be on the losing side; and eventually the stress may lead to a breakdown or an eventual break-up in the marriage.

Then there’s a third scenario and it is called “compromise”—you do your part, I’ll do mine. I’ve got my friends, you have yours; you win some, I win some. This is probably the most common model of marriage, even in “successful” ones that are seen today. The problem is that it’s still managing expectations, and expectations have a way of ending up being stated as “You owe me.”  See if you’ve ever found yourself thinking like this:

• “When we got married, you promised to do_____, but you don’t.”
• “You said you’d love me, but…”
• “Yeah, well you said you’d submit, too, but…”

Expectations cause us to believe our spouse owes us something, and here is why expectations are so dangerous in marriage. If we owe things to each other, our marriage evolves into a debt-debtor relationship. In this type of relationship, there is no room for love. You see, nobody loves you simply for fulfilling a debt. All you’ve done is simply what’s expected of you. Here’s an example of what I mean.

If you pay your cell phone bill on time every month, the company doesn’t send you flowers! You don’t get any credit for simply meeting an expectation they have for you. In fact, the only way you get any attention in a debt-debtor relationship is to fail to meet the expectations placed upon you. In this situation, if you miss a few payments, you’ll get plenty of attention! They’ll send you cards in the mail! Why, they will even call you, and you won’t get a voice mail either! You will get personal attention all right, but it’s not the kind of attention you desire.

This is the way many marriages operate, too—you only get “personal attention” when you mess up. If we fulfill our spouse’s desires or dreams, we have done a wonderful thing and are praised. However, if we just meet their expectations, we don’t get any credit. We just make it up to “zero.” We simply “break even.” If “you owe me” is the driving force in my marriage, then I can’t really show my husband that I love him. There’s no room for sacrificial giving. All I can do is to try and jump high enough to clear the bar, and who knows where the bar will be today, tomorrow, or next year.

Now the answer to this dilemma is not to abandon all our desires. That might be the Buddhist answer—a position that states all sufferings are born of unfulfilled desires, so get rid of desire and you will never suffer. However, it is not the Christian answer. God created us to have desires and dreams, to be cherished and respected, to be appreciated and honored. Yet, we need to understand the critical difference between fulfilling a desire and meeting an expectation.

If I can satisfy one of my husband’s dreams or desires, then this is how I show my love for him. It leads to intimacy and romance. However, if I simply fulfill one of his expectations, then this attitude erodes intimacy and romance. The first situation is a covenant. It means, “I will, even if you won’t.” The second is a contract. It says, “I will, only if you do.” One way to tell where you are in all of this is simple. Start by looking at your life and see if you are (1) expressing gratitude and (2) performing acts of service. Ask yourself:

1. When was the last time I thanked my spouse?

2. When was the last time I did something to serve them—some simple task they are usually stuck with but I chose to do instead?

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