Hopes, Dreams, and Expectations in Marriage (Part 3 of 4)

(This is the third part of a four-part series on “Hopes, Dreams, and Expectations”)

Another way to determine where you are is to answer these simple questions:  “What does my spouse OWE me? What are my expectations of my spouse?” Think through these for a moment before you answer.

Once you’ve meditated on the questions above ask yourself things like: (1) Do I believe my spouse owes me to keep the house clean, because that’s what wives do? (2) Do I believe my husband owes me a higher standard of living because he promised me that when we got married? (3) Does my wife owe me respect? (4) Does my husband owe me love?

Now, you may be thinking, “How do I keep the expectations box empty? There is no answer apart from the Christian one. That requires a third party—God Himself—coming into our marriage.

In Ephesians 5:21, Paul writes “Submit to one another out of reverence for Christ.” What submit means here is pretty straightforward: “I will make your dreams, desires, and wishes come first—ahead of mine.” Plus, we are to do this, not out of reverence for our mate, but out of reverence for Christ. It would be like me going to God in prayer and saying, “Lord, You have done so much for me. You have forgiven me, and saved me, and You’re changing me. You bless me every day. So, what can I do for You in return to show You how grateful I am?”

Then the Lord looks at me and says, “Are you serious? Do you really mean it? If you do, here’s what I want you to do. Take all of that passion you have for Me, all of that gratitude, and shower it down on your husband.” And what do you think my response would be? What do you think your response would be? For me, it tends to sound something like this: “Lord, I want to show You that I love You—What can I do for You?… I know, how about a missions trip?”

However, Christ’s attitude is more like this: “I want you to show your gratitude to your mate. Channel that love you have for Me, to him. Take the debt-free relationship we have (you remember that, right?) and give him the same deal. Put him first like I put your needs first, not because your mate has earned it, but because of what I did for you. And submit to him for My sake out of reverence for Me.”

Do you realize what this means? It means my plans, my stuff, my business, my schedule–it all comes behind my spouse’s dreams and desires! It’s as if Christ is saying to me, “You know how you love Me, and you say you want to submit to Me because of who I am and what I have done for you? Then that’s how I want you to submit to your husband—not because he’s earned it, or because he’s wonderful, or because he will never abuse your gift of submission. Instead, submit to him out of reverence for Me.”

If you’re the husband, this means your plans, your stuff, your business, and your schedule come behind your spouse’s dreams and desires! In fact, to you Christ says, “You know how I gave up My life for the church? That’s your standard—be ready to die for your wife, every day.” Not just to “take a bullet,” but in a thousand “little deaths” each day.

God designed marriage this way because He was not content to just be an invisible God “up there.” He wants us to know His physical, tangible reality so much that He put a spouse in our lives as an instrument of His love. As I lay down my life for my mate, he will see God’s love for him in a tangible way. God loved us so much that He put us in each other’s life to show His love—not just when we earn it or deserve it, but in every day. As Gary Thomas’ book states in the title, Sacred Marriage: What If God Designed Marriage to Make Us Holy More Than to Make Us Happy? You are God’s #1 tool to demonstrate His love to your spouse.