Trust (Part 1 of 2)

In marriage each partner is looking for a place to feel safe. Unconditional love is the cornerstone of what it means to be safe–to feel that you are together no matter what. That safety is built by the absence of criticism or judging.

Trust is diminished whenever you feel as though you have to “measure up” to some standard, or that your situation is uncertain. You could share the most beautiful home in the world, but if you feel like your performance is being judged, things will not feel safe.

One very important element that is necessary for feeling safe in your relationship involves trust. Trust is the foundational ingredient needed in a marriage. It is the basis of all human relationships.

Trust comes from the Old English word troth and it means truth.[1] As Bible scholars Dan Allender and Tremper Longman share in their book, The Intimate Mystery:

To trust another person is to count them as a person who loves the truth. It is not merely a matter of being honest; it is being a person who loves integrity and can admit when truth is lacking in their life.[2]

Trust can almost be like a type of thermometer that measures the nature and the character of a relationship. Usually, the more positive we feel about a person, the more we tend to trust them. Similarly, the opposite is also true–the more negative or mistrust we have for a person, the greater potential there is for anxiety and division.

Here’s another definition of trust in marriage you may find helpful:

Trust is the ability to be totally real, authentic, and unguarded with your lover. It means being able to bring all parts of yourself to [your mate], good and bad, strong and weak, without fear of condemnation or judgment. It has to do with not needing to edit or color what you say or who you are for fear of [your mate's] reaction.[3]

As you can see, this type of trust will definitely ensure an attitude of safety in your relationship.

Now, in the context of our marriages, and especially within our sexual relationship, it’s important to understand the difference between trust and love. As Christians, we are commanded to love our spouse. God desires for us to show agape love toward our mate. It is a love that is unconditional and doesn’t have to be earned and should never be lost.

However, trust is different. Unlike love, it does have to be earned by our mate. Trust “is earned over a lifetime through small moments of faithfulness.”[4] Learning, and being able to trust your spouse with your dreams, fears, and your feelings is not always easy. It is something that is built between the two of you whenever one of you becomes vulnerable to the other.

This is why trust is so vital to a marriage. In many ways, trust could be considered the foundation of a marriage.[5] While trust and love must be nurtured and built throughout a marriage, trusting your mate allows love to flourish. It allows you to feel safe, protected and cherished in your relationship.

When you express your fears and failures to your mate and they are met with a positive response, your trust will grow and deepen. However, when your expressions are met with criticisms and you feel beaten down, your trust in your mate will fracture.

Author Annette LaPlaca states, “Every instance of significant forgiveness and grace in your marriage makes trust and hope grow.”[6] Without a deep level of trust in your marriage, you won’t have the foundation necessary to build and enjoy the love life you want.[7] The atmosphere of safety will not be there without the peaceful and secure environment trust provides.

(Here is where you will find part 2 of Trust)

Footnotes:

1. Dan B. Allender and Tremper Longman III, The Intimate Mystery: Creating Strength and Beauty in Your Marriage (Downers Grove, IL: InterVarsity Press, 2005), 42.
2. Allender and Longman, The Intimate Mystery, 42.
3. Dr. Henry Cloud and Dr. John Townsend, Rescue Your Love Life: Changing Those Dumb Attitudes and Behaviors That Will Sink Your Marriage (Nashville, TN: Integrity Publishers, 2005), 198-199.
4. Allender and Longman, The Intimate Mystery, 43.
5. Allender and Longman, The Intimate Mystery, 43.
6. Annette LaPlaca, “Clearing the Air,” found at http://www.christianitytoday.com/mp/6m/6m3040.html on 7.29.07.
7. Henry and Townsend, Rescue Your Love Life, 199.

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